Known Unknowns

There is a bank marquee in my town that is part buddhist, part christian and part banker. Its not a sign I pass by often, but when I do I find it to be pretty profound.

The day before Thanksgiving the sign spoke again: Give thanks for the Unknown, Blessings are already on their way.

Perched in the middle of two directions of traffic with my turn signal on, I stayed in that spot, waiting out the time (11:35) and temperature (29 degrees) to see the message again. Because, had I read that right? Give thanks for the unknown?

The unknown for me has always been something that's caused great concentration. There are many situations where specific questions arose about what I didn't know. From the mundane "Will what I ordered be as good as I hope it will be?" or "As good as yours?" to the important, "Will it be a boy or a girl?" or "Will I get the job?" In all of these situations the unknown seemed to be the enemy which I was trying to outsmart.

My #1 line of defense against my nemesis was worry. If I worried about something then surely what I feared would not come to pass. "Mmmm...my dinner is better than yours!"

My second line of defense is two-fold: be as self reliant as possible and be in control. If I'm self-reliant then I don't need you. If bad things happen and you bail I can take care of my own shit. If I'm in control and alone I can stay calm be more self-reliant.

As I write it all out now I can see how this magical thinking caused way more stress that it alleviated. I do want to point out though that there are good things about this two pronged approach. The foremost of these is that its made me into a very resourceful person, in so many ways. And I love that about myself.

The negitive part is that I closed myself off to peace, trust and blessings that were coming to me in all their beautiful forms. When your hands are clenched around one thing, then they are not open to receiving something wonderfully unexpected--unknown--that may be the best thing ever.

Since receiving my cancer diagnosis I've been reexamining my relationship to the unknown. With this disease there are a lot of unknowns, all the time, and they're huge. Life and death huge. Hardly a blessing right? And, the illusion of self-reliance is quickly shattered when you realized that you will need others to get through this experience. Gasp! I will be truly dependent on someone else. I can't take care of my own shit. I really can't. What if you decide to bail on me? Then what?

There are no answers to these questions. The test results come back when they come back and they will be what they are. They will be life affirming or really alarming. You will help when you can and be there for me when you can or you won't. And I just down know which will be which. So I have a choice. I can keep moving through my old system (see above) or I can give thanks.

I can be thankful for when I'm pumping gas and my favorite song comes on over the gas station radio. I can count my blessings when my love orders ice cream for himself and one of the two scoops happens to be my favorite flavor. I can open my arms wide to my friend who brings me milk when I can't find my car keys or sanity enough to get to the store.

I can love the friend who shows me her bright face and healthy body and then tells me all about when she had breast cancer. I love the laundry lady who's lazy and eats bananas all day and yet magically cleans my house.

I could tell you a million more things that happen all the time that make my diagnosis of cancer beautiful and completely livable and made me fall in love with the unknown. And I'll take it. Every last bit of it because that's what my Hero Journey is about: befriending the unknown. Opening up to everything I can't see or touch to find the real magic in this life. No matter if the cells are good or bad or if you ordered a better dinner than me. I will love it all.