Afloat

Did you know that the ballast of a ship acts as a righting device? Without the ballast, a heavy weight at the bottom of the ship, the vessel would sway this way and that, and eventually capsize. The sails on your ship might allow you travel far and wide but the ballast keeps you at an even keel so you can get where you intend to go.

Today, when I heard the pathologist say the cells from my lymph node are cancerous, I teetered. I nodded to her letting her know I understood. She said more words, which I can’t recall, and then she left the room.

I laid back onto the table, turned onto my side in the fetal position, closed my crying eyes and thought: I’m going to die. This may kill me. Soon.

I was capsizing.

As I turned over, Bryan got up from his chair, to stand next to me and hold my hands. That’s when I realized I was actually shaking. Have you ever shivered out of sheer terror? It’s different from shivering from being cold, when I shiver from the cold, the shaking starts in my belly and radiates outward. This shivering originated in my hands and feet and moved inward.

We were like that for awhile, me shivering, sobbing. Teetering on the verge of a shipwreck. All the while, he moved closer to me. Until finally there was that one moment, his arms were all the way around me and everything inside me just relaxed. The tears stopped, as did the shivering. I just knew it would all be ok.

I was righted again.

The ballast of a ship can be made from quarried stone, sand bags, metal weights or water. I suppose if you’re a person, your ballast can be made from just about anything. Glad I had mine with me this morning.

I don’t want to do this alone, and I don’t need to. So, I’m not going to.