Do these genes make me look like I have cancer?

Do you know about genetic testing for cancer? You may have heard of it after an upstart named Angelina Jolie had the test.

Let me simplify what this test is: it is a blood draw. Normally that takes oh, 15 minutes tops. Easy peesey. I'm in and out on my lunch break, right? Right?

Wrong. Think of this test as a combination between a blood draw and an after school special. There is counseling and an educational video which will answer all of your questions.

Well I do have a burning question: why does my son's lunch box smell like the interior of an old gym shoe? I'm pretty sure that this 2 hour appointment won't answer that question. And I have others also, but I digress.

And to the genetic counselor, I hate to steal your thunder, and I'm not sure if they broke the news to you: but I actually have cancer. I know this may come as a shock to you, it did for me. You'll get through this though, I swear.

Also, just a thought here, the test takes 2 weeks to get results back, right? And not for nothing, but I'm dealing with some heavy shit over here (see lunchbox question above). By the time I get this shit back I'm going to have forgotten 99% of what you said. So perhaps you can just alert me if I have, like, more cancer? And we can skip the after school freaking special?

People, I have to draw the line somewhere. 2 hours for a blood draw so I can hear how screwed I'm gonna be if this gene or that one comes back bright red and burning with the impure fires of cancer...? Um, naaa.

Lastly, if I hear one more person mention Angelina Jolie I'm gonna choke someone. While I am flattered that you'd think to draw the comparison, she has way better shoes.