Has someone you love been diagnosed with cancer?

Then you must read this.

Last week I had a conversation with a casual acquaintance that went like this:

Question from her: “How are you feeling these days?”

My Answer: “Feeling pretty good, so glad it’s all over now.”

 2^nd Question from her: “But didn’t you learn a lot from the experience?”

 My out loud answer: “Yea, I did.”

The answer in my head: “Yea, I did. I learned how not to choke people who ask me if I learned a valuable life lesson from my life threating illness.”

 

Newsflash: Cancer is not a meditation retreat at an ashram.

Cancer is a life threatening illness which left untreated will kill you. The treatment for cancer is f’ing brutal. It makes people sick, so sick they can’t function sometimes. Again, do you see how it’s not a holiday at an ashram?

I wasn’t meditating on how to be a better person, I was praying I would survive another day all while trying to work full time, mother my 6 year old and be a partner to my partner.

If you truly want to help with cancer refer to this chart which I call the comfort/kvetch chart*

 

The idea behind this is that you always send comfort toward the inner most circles and you only kvetch toward the outer circles.

See the person in the blue circle? She gets to kvetch to anyone about anything at any time. Why? Because she’s the sick person.

 Now find who you are in relation to the sick person. You only get to complain to the circle outside of your circle. Do you kvetch to the sick person? Or the sick person’s spouse? Nope, because kvetching radiates OUTWARD. Conversely, you can COMFORT anyone at any time in any circle. But you especially do this toward the group in the inner rings.

It’s the way to make sure you’re not making your problems about the patient’s illness also the patient’s problems. Trust me, she’s got enough to deal with without taking on your stuff to.

I will say that most people in my life were naturals at this. They comforted me, made me laugh, complained upon request (when I got sick of my own complaining) and generally made my life livable. I'm thinking here specifically of my brother, who, in spite of being pretty worried, he always made my day great when we talked. It was wonderful. (Thanks, bro, and shut up.)

So do your cancer patient a favor and stick to the chart. Below are links that might help to. My heart breaks for anyone who has to go through this, so please give lots of love, to all involved.

 

This stuff may also be helpful:

Cleaning for a Reason – 4 visits from a professional cleaning company; free

http://www.cleaningforareason.org/

Corporate Angel Network - If you need to fly somewhere for a dr’s appt, free

http://www.corpangelnetwork.org/

Look Good, Feel Better – good class, I recommend it;  it’s free, you just need to sign up

http://cancercenter.org/look-goodfeel-better.html

Meal Coordination – free online tool

https://www.takethemameal.com/

Local Cancer Resources
I LOVE the spiritual support group at my local cancer center,  that may help to

Support group for children – find one in your area for your littles, you’ll be glad you did.
 

Books I found helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/And-Health-Couples-Facing-Together/dp/161180017X

http://www.npr.org/2014/02/25/280242097/a-is-for-anxiety-g-is-for-guilt-the-abcs-of-breast-cancer

 

*Please note: I didn’t make this idea up, I read an article about it in the New York Times, but I can’t find it now. So, I’m reproducing the idea for your benefit. Trust me, the patient will thank you.