Lately

As of late I've been so critical of myself. Why you ask? Because I no longer look like this:

Bryan and I were going through our old photos this weekend and when I saw that beautiful woman, I cried, a lot. I wanted to run away and hide in a cave. I felt sorry for myself. Like everything's been taken and changed by this horrible disease. I don't even recognize the woman I see in the mirror. People I worked with 2 years ago don't recognize me. None of my clothes fit. I don't look like the woman my boyfriend fell in love with....and on and on.

As shallow as this may seem to you, it’s been a huge adjustment for me. Why? Because I went from that to this in 3 months:

When humans age, they have time, lots of time, to accept the gradual changes that occur within their bodies and minds. Cancer changes that equation though. Overnight it robs you of that element that allows you to continually evolve into your new and ever-changing body and spirit

My body has endured so much in this past year. My strong body. My body that now has extra curves, pounds and wrinkles and not nearly enough hair, breasts or estrogen.

When I look this photo I get back a little of what cancer took: the sense of time passing. And maybe, if I look long enough I can figure out how to be ok with where I am today. Alive, feeling well and doing the best I can to care for my body.