Yum Yum and Love

This is a shout out to everyone who brought my family a meal over these last 3 months.

A meal is such a simple thing, in a way. But for me, during what's been a very challenging time physically, even a simple thing like dinner felt like way too much.

So you all kept showing up. With your smiling faces, well wishes, prayers and warm, delicious meals. Food that fed us dinner, was the perfect mid-night (or mid-day) snack for me. Something ready to fill my belly which has been on the verge of being sick for 3 months.

One or two bites of something delicious at the right time can be so soothing. I felt your love, care and prayers in every bite, as did we all.

So thank you. You took the time out of your schedules, away from your own families and to-do list to do something that was so very needed and I am so grateful to you. And you, and you.

Love and Muah.

Oh where are you...?

This last treatment marked the half-way point for me, and it was time for a scan. A little how-we-doin check-in ultrasound.

The tech who did the ultrasound and the doctor who read the scans were the same team who I saw three months ago. The same team who discovered the 3 tumors and lymph involvement.

This time, there was not a tumor in sight and the lymph node looked very unexciting. Quite normal actually.

While I can't be sure that the cancer is no longer in my body (only a PET scan could confirm this) I do know that no visible tumors and a normal looking lymph node is wonderful news.

So what next? Do I get to hop on a plane to Tulum this weekended to celebrate by sunbathing and toasting to my everlasting good health?

Not quite yet.

I still have 3 months of chemo to make it through. Then surgery. Then 6 weeks of radiation.

While the common cold may be more annoying (see previous post) the recovery time is way faster. Cancer is a lot of things. Speedy isn't one of them.

Sigh.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Went down the rabbit hole with this last treatment. Thankfully, I didn't go alone: Bryan, Karin, Sally, and Beni helped me as I was falling.

Foot rubbing, fetching tea, loving, supporting, hand holding, making meals, cleaning the bathroom; bringing an annoyingly specific lunch order, spreading love, cheer and sweet coconut aromas; bearing gifts of the most useful kind - dinner, desert (evil, btw), and a treat bag for my little; and a critical trip to the grocery store when I really needed it and didn't want to be alone.

All that helped me make it through yesterday and for that I am so grateful.

For now, I'm not nauseous or throwing up and for that I am grateful as well. But if I go down the rabbit hole again I know that many hands will be here to lift me out when its time.

photo source

Reflection & Rearview

Essay by: Brandy

Jim Valvano once said, “Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul.” After working at Fortune 50 Corporation (note: name of company changed for privacy reasons) for the last 9 months, I have meant some really important and life-changing people. But in all the people that I have come across at this company, a courageous woman outshined them all. Her name is Lauren, and I can honestly say she has changed my whole outlook on life into a positive one. My first interactions with Lauren began this summer, when I started at Fortune 50 Corporation on an 8 week summer internship program. She and I worked in the basement together in the heritage department.

When I first began working with Lauren, we were in the basement most of the time taking photos of artifacts and recording data of the photographs into the computer. Anytime we received new artifacts, Lauren would consult with my other coworkers to see if we wanted to keep the object, and if we did, Lauren and I would start our process to enter the information into the database. Because of how much time I spent with her, it’s like I got used to seeing Lauren around. We used to have team meetings together, go to lunch occasionally from time to time, and even have one-on-one sessions to get to know each other better. But then I started to realize that I was seeing her less and less. I would ask around about her, but no one was for sure about her whereabouts.

After a while, my curiosity began to overcome me with questions, so one day in mid-November, I decided to pay Lauren’s desk a visit. When I arrived, I could sense something was wrong by the type of eye contact we made as decided to take a seat. As time was passing, and we were catching up, I asked her if something was bothering her. She whispered ever so gently that she had cancer, and it felt like my heart had just completely shattered at that exact moment. I was bombarded with dozens of questions, to have reassurance that she was going to make sure she includes in her response that she would be okay.

As Lauren started to answer my questions I had sat back in the chair and just started to think to myself about how brave she was. This woman gets up out of her bed every morning to get her son off to school and then to start a full day of work with not a single complaint. She doesn’t use her sickness for a weakness. In fact, with her weakness, I still find her to be the strongest woman I’ve ever meant. Anyone who can have a sickness and still wake up and come to work with a smile on their face, most defiantly has my blessings. While looking back on my experience at this company, I have for sure done a 360 in my personality and socializing skills. 

By being around Lauren’s such positive and uprising spirits, I have learned to treat everyone around me with respect and only show love at all times, because you really never know what a person is going through. A person can appear to be smiling every day in front of others, but shed a thousand tears when they are in the comfort of their own homes. I believe God either puts people in your life to make you better or to make you realize you need to do better. But without a doubt, I do truly believe that God sent Lauren to open my eyes and realize that tomorrow is never promised to any of us, and I hate would hate to live with a list of regrets.

Note about the author: This essay is by Brandy, an awesome, hard-working young woman who is a senior in high school. She wrote this essay for an assignment at school and gave me permission to share it here with you. It made my day to read this.

Note about the photo source: The above photo was sent to me by Kellie. An all-around amazing human: a native Californian, plant and water whisperer; a creative beautiful soul who I had the great fortune and pleasure of meeting in college. Big love and shout out to Kellie and H. Sending big love to you both. Looking forward to a sunny rendezvous this summer in the desert, may it be so.

Sunny Dreams

It will come as no surprise to you that outside my window the view is mostly white. On the ground, floating through the air. Layers and layers of white cover over everything. Its pretty, but its a bit chilly.

In the thick of this wintery mix I really don't think to much about summer. Winter, like anything else, is something to move through and really can't be rushed. So dreams of summer are not on my mental agenda usually. Funny though how something so small can instantly transport you to the middle of June without warning.

At our place, Bryan built a spot for our coats and gloves and its become the repository for hats to, both the winter and summer variety. One morning this week, when Bryan took his big winter coat off the hook, the hat he wears in the summer came down with it and landed in the middle of the floor.

Seeing that hat made me long for summer deep in my bones. In that moment, I really missed seeing him in that hat, doing work in the yard. I missed the bright sun and hanging out next to the blow up pool. I missed sunning myself and playing ball with the critter, barefoot in grass.

Getting there was effortless, coming back to winter was to. But, it got me thinking about summer. About how, by the end of the summer this will be finished. I will be cancer-free. No more appointments, treatments, surgery, poking, prodding and all the rest of it.

I will get to sit at our table on the patio, under the umbrella with a picnic laid out, with no where to be and nothing to do. Enjoying those summer days that seem to last forever and ever.